Baby Steps…

Part of my reason for starting this journey is to be happy. Simple as that. I don’t really like to broadcast this for it makes me feel vulnerable, but I’m learning that its ok to feel vulnerable and to accept every flaw within me. So in 2011 I was diagnosed with depression. I was going through many signs that were obvious, but I was in denial. Something wasn’t right and I couldn’t figure it out. So I tried many things to make myself happy. I worked out to increase the flow of endorphins. It was fun and got a personal trainer and got in great shape, but I was still feeling irritated all the time. I analyzed every part of my life and couldn’t figure out how I lost all my energy. It felt like one second I was enthusiastic and excited about life, and the next day everything had just gone to shit. It was a struggle to even wake up in the morning just to go to school. Nothing made me smile anymore. Not my friends, not music, not watching a movie. Everything I was once content with just made me even more hollow then before. It was an aching hole I was desperate to fill.

Before I know it,  I hit rock bottom and that’s when I decided to see someone. It was then I was diagnosed with depression. I told her about everything and how I had been working towards getting better. She stated I was doing everything right…yet I was still unhappy.I sought for help, for a clear answer to get rid of this but it never happened. So with wanting an easy solution I was prescribed anti-depressants. I finally found progress and was able to get better. Though I had some downturns and mishaps, my depression seemed to slowly dissipate. 

But I still wasn’t satified. I was once find being drugged up all the time because it did work and helped with my depression so much, but I didn’t want to depend on this pills just to be happy. I wanted to be naturally happy, the way I was intended to be. I was also dealing with a lot of side effects that I clearly didn’t like. One thing was that it made me tired all the time. I was sleeping for over 12 hours a day. It was ridiculous. I’d even miss class because I couldn’t gather the strength to get out of my bed. I also lost a lot of my concentration. I was off my medication for a semester in school cause I felt like I was cured. (I was in fact the worst I’d ever been though lawlz) But I had full focus and could actually pay attention to all my professors. I got straight A’s that semester. The next semester when I got back on, my grades suffered as well. It felt like I had to choose between my happiness or my grades, and thats something I just couldn’t fantom. 

So this summer when I returned home for summer break, I decided to find my way to happiness without the pills. I don’t want to depend on something artificial for my happiness.  I want to achieve it on my own time with my own effort without chemicals affecting my brain everyday. So I officially detox myself from my medication and am beginning a fresh start on this journey. 

 

P.S I also want to clarify that I’m ok and have done this before and not “off my meds” for those who aren’t clear with medication and depression and all that. ThanksImage

The Beginning…

The beginning of last year I was going through some personal issues. I found myself wanting to start anew. I craved clarity into my life. Upon this journey I discovered a flyer for Buddhist Meditation Club. I only viewed the meditation part, and thought that this would be a great way for me to learn to meditate and maybe clear my mind from all the negativity surrounding it. But it did more then that. It awakened a part of me that I didn’t know existed. It awakened the spiritual side of me. I started going to meetings as often as I could and learned much about meditating and buddhism. This inspired me to continue learning more on this culture. Through the meetings I learned the basic meanings of Buddhism which was to live a simple life in moderation, without harming others. Do good to others and you will live a fulfilling life. Each meeting we would read passages from the dhammapadda and discuss our thoughts about them. It was refreshing to be around people who just sought to live good lives without the bullshit that surrounds us everyday. Finally escape from reality and a sanctuary you can say, that was inhabited by good energy. Because of this club, I have now been enthusiastic on continuing my journey to find inner peace. I started this blog so I can share my journey with all those who are interested as me in finding inner peace as well. I will be listing many things I discover and will share them with you and my thoughts on how they helped me become a better person, and more in touch with the happiness that lies inside me. I will be posting books, crystals, and exercises that I have found useful in helping with this process. I hope you all find your way as I hope to find my way onto eternal bliss. Thanks for reading!.