Baby Steps…

Part of my reason for starting this journey is to be happy. Simple as that. I don’t really like to broadcast this for it makes me feel vulnerable, but I’m learning that its ok to feel vulnerable and to accept every flaw within me. So in 2011 I was diagnosed with depression. I was going through many signs that were obvious, but I was in denial. Something wasn’t right and I couldn’t figure it out. So I tried many things to make myself happy. I worked out to increase the flow of endorphins. It was fun and got a personal trainer and got in great shape, but I was still feeling irritated all the time. I analyzed every part of my life and couldn’t figure out how I lost all my energy. It felt like one second I was enthusiastic and excited about life, and the next day everything had just gone to shit. It was a struggle to even wake up in the morning just to go to school. Nothing made me smile anymore. Not my friends, not music, not watching a movie. Everything I was once content with just made me even more hollow then before. It was an aching hole I was desperate to fill.

Before I know it,  I hit rock bottom and that’s when I decided to see someone. It was then I was diagnosed with depression. I told her about everything and how I had been working towards getting better. She stated I was doing everything right…yet I was still unhappy.I sought for help, for a clear answer to get rid of this but it never happened. So with wanting an easy solution I was prescribed anti-depressants. I finally found progress and was able to get better. Though I had some downturns and mishaps, my depression seemed to slowly dissipate. 

But I still wasn’t satified. I was once find being drugged up all the time because it did work and helped with my depression so much, but I didn’t want to depend on this pills just to be happy. I wanted to be naturally happy, the way I was intended to be. I was also dealing with a lot of side effects that I clearly didn’t like. One thing was that it made me tired all the time. I was sleeping for over 12 hours a day. It was ridiculous. I’d even miss class because I couldn’t gather the strength to get out of my bed. I also lost a lot of my concentration. I was off my medication for a semester in school cause I felt like I was cured. (I was in fact the worst I’d ever been though lawlz) But I had full focus and could actually pay attention to all my professors. I got straight A’s that semester. The next semester when I got back on, my grades suffered as well. It felt like I had to choose between my happiness or my grades, and thats something I just couldn’t fantom. 

So this summer when I returned home for summer break, I decided to find my way to happiness without the pills. I don’t want to depend on something artificial for my happiness.  I want to achieve it on my own time with my own effort without chemicals affecting my brain everyday. So I officially detox myself from my medication and am beginning a fresh start on this journey. 

 

P.S I also want to clarify that I’m ok and have done this before and not “off my meds” for those who aren’t clear with medication and depression and all that. ThanksImage